Different Paths

Remember when you were a kid and you kept saying you couldn’t wait until you were grown up? Now, remember when all of the grown-ups told you to not wish that and stay young forever? I was one of those kids (as I'm sure most of us were), and I never listened to the grown-ups. When my family members told me that I just thought that they wanted me to stay young forever, cause I was growing too fast. I didn’t see that though. All I ever wanted was to grow up. I wanted to be independent, mature, and have my freedom. Now I understand that they were doing both. They were telling me to slow down and appreciate being a kid while also actually wanting me to stay a kid forever. I wish I had listened to them and understood to live in the moment.

Now that I am almost twenty years old I have realized and experienced a lot more than I wish I had, to be honest; but then again at the same time I am grateful for it all. I never had the “easiest” childhood, and I blame my father’s absence for that but after all the years I spent as a kid wishing time would go faster so I could be independent, mature, and have my own freedom, I am now wishing I was still a kid. You truly don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone. Although I do enjoy my freedom, independence, and how mature I’ve gotten. I also miss the simple things I was blessed with during my childhood. Such as having dinner cooked for me, my laundry being taken care of, my sense of fun, holidays, and simply just having no life admin. My mother and grandparents are always the first to cry on each of my birthdays thinking “Where has the time gone” as they wish I didn’t grow up so fast, and each birthday I would have the biggest smile on my face. Now, I’m the one questioning where the time has gone. My grandpa and I started this cute little birthday joke when I turned five. On my fifth birthday, he came up to me and said, “You’re one big-ole hand now.” That was already almost fifteen years ago, this year I will be four big-ole hands.

Now that I am finally what I wished all of those years for, to be older, I just wish I could turn back the time and be a kid. But I got what I wanted. Now I’m worrying about big people stuff and it’s scary, to say the least. But the biggest thing for me was that I always thought I had my life all figured out. Truth is, I have no idea what’s going on. I thought I knew what I wanted and I was going to succeed at it. My plan was to go to an out-of-state university and study law, then graduate and work my way up in the law field to become an FBI agent, but my plan stopped there. That was my set plan for years but I never had a thought about anything else besides wanting to be an FBI agent one day. But lives can change in the blink of an eye, mine did, and now what I wanted is not what will make me happy.

Summer before going to college I spent a lot of time with my friends and family. It was the best summer ever. Then I went to college, which ended up only being an hour's drive away from my hometown, and my life changed. My anxiety hit an all-time high. I was miserable at my school. I had a lot going on with my family, finances, etc. After the first semester ended I switched to online schooling and moved in with my boyfriend. I knew I was happy but I was also embarrassed as I felt like I was falling behind the rest of my peers and not getting that “college experience.” Then after the second semester was done I spent the summer really thinking about my life goals. I was now living with my long-term boyfriend and our puppy and it changed my perspective completely so when the beginning of sophomore year of college started to roll around I ended up dropping out days before the first day of classes. Then again, I was embarrassed that I wasn’t on the same track as the rest of my friends so I didn’t tell anyone. I felt like I was on the path of failing and that scared the shit out of me.

Here’s what has changed: I love the life I have. I love having a home with my boyfriend and our dog. I love living close to family again. One day I want a family of my own (which I never used to think about). I am now taking a real estate course, which as expected is hard but I’m glad I found myself something I will enjoy and be good at. I am working on my emotional and mental health, which by the way is getting better. Overall, I am just happy.

I feel like we are all overwhelmed with the pressure to have our lives figured out and planned by the time we graduate from high school, and for me personally, it made me lose touch with the present. But now I know that it’s okay to not have it all figured out, and we don’t need to compete or follow the same path as others. Everyone’s path looks different, and you don’t have to stick with your given path to feel like you’re making it or to fit in. Also, if you don’t have any goals or plans; worry not. Step outside of your comfort zone. Find a new hobby for yourself, go to social gatherings, and talk to new people. Maybe listen to their stories and see if they change your life - I’ve heard many great stories; they mostly come from my grandparents but those are the best.

That’s all I’ve got for now, I enjoyed doing this. My very first blog! I hope in some ways I can be relatable and maybe even give good advice. Okay bye bye. :)

Love always,

M.R.