Reflections of Loss

This year I lost someone, they are still alive and well but no longer in my life. Losing someone who is still very much alive is the most incredibly complex and painful experience I’ve ever experienced. There are still moments when I want to reach out but I know I can’t anymore. Feels like the constant tug-of-war between acceptance and longing.

Losing someone is, I think, one of those things that make us feel a whirlwind of emotions. I went from laughing and talking bad about that person with my friends and family to having dreams about this person and waking up to realize they are no longer in my life. I thought that I was handling it and moving forward. I slowly realized that I was grieving. But the person I lost in the end was not the person I knew and loved, and I think that’s the hardest part.

Growing up I always hid how I was feeling, always bottled it up. It wasn’t until this past year that I started to truly express and feel my emotions. I think I did the same thing with this situation at first. I bottled it up at first and joked about it. I was so sad and all I knew what to do was mask it with anger and hatred. Truth is, I don’t hate this person at all. Despite the pain they have caused I can’t bring myself to hate them.

Initially, I thought coping for me meant saying mean things about them, and maybe it was a way to get through the moment. But I realize now that isn't who I am. Deep down, I feel sorry for them. Sorry for who they've become, sorry that they have to live with the guilt I hope they feel, and sorry that they must be feeling sadness over this loss as well. While I've lost their presence in my life, they've lost something much greater. They're going through this too. I realize that I have to be better for myself, I don’t laugh or say mean things about them anymore, I shouldn’t have in the first place because once upon a time they meant so much to me, and I still respect that.

All I have left now is the memories, which are starting to feel like a mix of nostalgia and bittersweetness. There were moments of pure joy that we shared, like bike rides, bonfires, camping, movie nights, and those fireworks they set off every 4th of July. I had these rituals with this person for so long, those simple yet profound moments are etched in my mind. They remind me of the bond we once had. Even though things have changed and our paths have diverged, I hold onto those precious memories while trying to find the strength to move forward.

I’m still working through this every day though, and that’s okay. It’s been almost five months. Five months of so many emotions, and so many questions. I thought I had come to terms with the situation. Until, I started to catch myself thinking about this person more frequently. Started seeing this person in my dreams only to wake up and come to terms all over again that they are no longer part of my life. Interestingly, I began to remember more of the good times rather than the bad. Initially, I focused on their negative aspects, but as time passed and my feelings deepened, the positive memories started to overshadow the negative ones. Which, I think is such a peaceful and beautiful thing to feel during this tough time. But with that, I also started to forget what their voice or laugh sounded like and how their presence felt. It’s astonishing how someone can be a significant part of our lives one day and then suddenly be gone the next, without any transition or warning. Despite this, I firmly believe that everything happens for a reason.

Reflecting on the past year, I’ve realized how important it is to treat others how you want to be treated. Despite the hurt and loss, I’ve chosen empathy and kindness over bitterness. This principle has helped me navigate through this emotional turmoil and has also made me grow as a person. It's a reminder that even in the face of pain, we can choose to rise above and treat others with the same respect and kindness we wish for ourselves. For me, this journey has been a profound lesson in vulnerability. Navigating the emotional void they left behind has been incredibly challenging, but it's also shown me just how resilient I can be. I've discovered inner strengths I never knew existed, finding ways to stand on my own and seek joy in new experiences. This process isn't just about coping with their absence; it's about embracing the growth that comes from it. Through this, I've gained a deeper understanding of myself and the fleeting nature of human connections, which has ultimately made me more empathetic and compassionate.

That’s all. Writing has been very therapeutic for me and while it makes me feel very vulnerable to post this it’s also so comforting to know I’m not the only one going through things, so thank you.

Love always, M